Cultural Advice Please

[Ruth]

A former co-worker (she transferred to a different school, but we're still in touch because her daughter is one of my private students) has invited my husband and me to a big family celebration. It is the 80th birthday party of her husband's-sister's-father-in-law. We're honored to have been invited. (Hope the host knows we're coming.) Our friend said we should be prepared to say some kind words such as 'may you live many more healthy and prosperous years.' Not sure if we should say it in English or learn it in Chinese.

I asked about a gift. She said not to worry about it, we will be going with her family (meaning small, nuclear family unit). However, I want to do the right thing. Any advice from the old China pros with cultural insight here?

Attire: I'm thinking similar to what I would wear to such an occasion at home. Basically, the best clothes in the wardrobe, clean and neatly pressed. Am I correct?

They will pick us up at 7:30 AM Sunday morning and have assured us we will be back home in time to teach our 1 PM private lessons. Will there be drinking games that early in the morning?

[ChinaGurl]

If you can speak Chinese, say it in Chinese for sure! It's always appreciated by Chinese when you do party tricks like that.

Bring some fruit if you'd like to bring a gift, and don't make a big deal about presenting it. Just set it down somewhere when you get inside the door.

Dress: Anything nice and presentable will be fine.

Drinking: MAYBE. Don't be surprised if there is. If you don't want to drink because you have classes in the afternoon, that is a perfectly acceptable excuse, but it's always polite to have one drink with the guest of honour. If you really don't want to drink but they are being persistent, the trick is to accept a glass of beer or wine or whatever they're drinking and leave it in front of you, untouched. If you drink it, they'll just keep refilling it.

[Raoul Duke]

ChinaGurl is her usual right-on self.
It's hard to go wrong with fruit as a gift...seems universally appreciated. Although I wonder what gift one would bring a fruit farmer, who's probably ready to puke at the sight of another piece of fruit?

The only other exception to the fruit rule is business gifts, where a carton of cigarettes or a bottle of maotai seems to be the rule.

And, by the way, what exactly is supposed to be wrong with drinking games in the morning?

The refilling thing is indeed weird. Some restaurants I go to keep my tea glass constantly full. They seem to make a point of adding more water when they see me paying my bill and putting my coat on, so that my glass is full when I walk out. Is this a way of saying "You're welcome to stay longer"?

[Ruth]

Chinagurl - thanks for the advice. I hadn't thought of fruit. I even have a basket to put it in. I'll try to learn a phrase of congratulations in Chinese. Better yet, I'll encourage my dearly beloved to learn it. He can be the family spokesperson.

Raoul - something in my stomach just churns at the thought of drinking alcohol first thing in the morning. But, Jimmy Buffet has it right 'It's 5 o'clock somewhere.' To each his own. I can probably handle a glass of beer and just sip on it for toasts. I'm betting, with the nature of the celebration, that there will be toasts even if it is during the early morning hours. I seem to be able to get away with sips at these kinds of things, rather than emptying the glass. Must be because I'm of the fairer sex and not expected to keep up.

[Lotus Eater]

Being of the fairer sex will actually let you get away with not drinking alcohol at all. You can be happily given sprite or something non-alcoholic, but Crippler ... he will have to uphold the family honour if they are serving alcohol

Watch the other women is my biggest rule when I am out in a formal setting - do as they do and you can't do too much wrong.

[Ruth]

This is the BIGGEST party I have ever been to in any country. Maybe I just don't hobnob with the right people...

The eldest son of the birthday gent owns a pharmaceutical (sp?) company. There were 800 people there. About half of them were employees of said company. This was obvious by the buses they arrived in, the identical dark suits (men and women) and the gold name plates on each left pocket. It was held at the biggest restaurant in Huludao and, let me tell you, no expenses were spared on this shindig. There were three of those blow-up arches outside - two at the road and one at the door of the restaurant. The strings of make-lots-of-noise-and-smoke firecrackers were arranged to form two '80's. Two truckloads of homing pigeons and three gigantic bunches of balloons were let go along with the firecrackers on the ground, the requisite cannons and more. That was at 8 a.m.

We were given corsages to wear that said 'honored guest'. Not all family members had one.

The birthday gent has 4 sons and three daughters. Family members assembled on the stage grouped around the old man who was seated in a chair. Crippler and I were each assigned to give him a bouquet of flowers and say a short congratulatory message. A high school aged granddaughter translated for us. (This was all arranged and practiced ahead of time.) Apparently we did okay, as heads throughout the audience were nodding (during the translation, not while we were talking). We got front row seats in upholstered chairs and ended up sitting next to the guest of honor. Folks at the back were sitting on plastic stools. After our congratulations and the bowing of the family members (grouped by generation), it was show time.

This was a big deal. Actors, comedians, musicians, etc. were imported from as far away as Beijing, although most were Liaoning celebrities. A few from CCTV. Great show. Lasted about two hours.

The cake was 8 tiers high. Peaches were everywhere - candles, on the cake and baskets of some sort of dough shaped and colored as peaches. I asked what the significance was. Apparently peaches stand for longevity.

After the show the hotel staff performed an amazing feat and transformed the room from rows of seats facing a stage into a dining room of round tables with 10 seats at a table - in very little time. We were just getting settled with our friend at a table somewhere in the middle when someone grabbed us and escorted us to the head table to sit beside the guest of honor. Our friend was taken along to translate. With all of the children the man had, I felt embarrassed to be given such an honored position. We weren't anybody to this guy. I felt like a usurper. His two brothers were at our table, but none of his children. When I remarked about my embarrassment to our friend, she told me she felt the same way. We smiled and graciously accepted our good fortune. What else do you do? If I haven't learned anything else since arriving in China, it's to go with the flow.

Bottles of baijiu and pijiu were placed on each table. Our friend (junior person at the table) poured baijiu for the birthday gent. He tried to give me the first glass. We convinced him he was the honored guest, but it was a challenge. One good thing about sitting at a table with older folks (really elderly, that is) is that they are sensible about alcohol. He stopped her at half a glass, which made half a glass acceptable for the rest of us. Sips were okay for toasting. Not sure what they were doing at other tables.

The top tier of the cake was placed as a centerpiece on our table. The guest of honor wanted me to help myself first. I had my friend tell him that he must have the first piece, since it was his birthday. He and his brothers dug in with chopsticks. Crippler and I just looked at each other, said "life is uncertain, eat dessert first" and dug in with our chopsticks. What a riot. Maybe it makes more sense than trying to serve perfect pieces of cake on the best china with silver cutlery. Food started arriving about then and our host (the birthday boy) was graciousness itself, making sure we had some of everything.

Many people came by our table to drink toasts with the guest of honor. I have no idea how many pictures I'm in by virtue of sitting beside him. TV cameras were present too. The son is a local bigwig. I couldn't help feeling people were standing there waiting to take a snap of me using chopsticks. Wonder if I had cake on my face?

After people finished eating, they just up and left. This is so weird to me. I come from a culture where we linger and chat over the remains of a feast. Our friend said to us, "Are you full?" When we said we were, she said, "Let's go then." And that was that. What a morning!

Now I have a problem. Crippler has seen what a real birthday celebration is like. He's 60 next year and expects a similar party. He said 600 guests would be okay since he's only going to be 60, not 80. Can I pass the hat?

[con's fly is open]

Hey, I'll chip in some tractor parts, soap you can see through, 5 pounds of salt and a bag of lemons.
Who else?

[George61]

Ruth, Hamish and I have had experience at this sort of thing, so if you wanna hire us as consultants, I'm sure we can find the time. After all, it is an important occasion, and you wouldn't want any mistakes.....and we will make sure that people don't get up and leave. We will force them to linger!

[Lotus Eater]

And I can help too - when I run a party no-one leaves early and even the Chinese will stay until 7:00am the morning after (after arriving early to start with!).

Of course I provide powerful attractions, not just food and doves.

[woza17]

Ruth what a great experince. When you first wrote, in my mind I was thinking a small cosy family affair, nice. This is why I love China it's things like this . I like your humility.

[Ruth]

yes, I was thinking small, cozy family affair. Well, maybe large cozy family affair because we were invited by what had to be extended extended family (brother of third daughter-in-law). We were told (warned) the day before the event that there would be about 800 people there. Didn't prepare me for the entertainment or the lavishness of the event, though.

Three years ago we held an 80th birthday party for my mother. Tea, cake and sandwiches served in the hall at the church. Open house to friends and family. Nice affair. About 100 people. Appropriate flowers and decorations and table with pictures depicting her life. Mom was pleased. No fireworks, doves, or CCTV entertainers. No 8-tiered cake. But then, my brother and I don't own a major company and don't have the funds this most recent party cost. I prefer intimate and cozy. That's where the cultural differences come in, I guess. Mom knew everyone who came to her party and they were all important to her life somehow.

On to next year. George, I appreciate the wisdom you and Hamish have accumulated. I just might need to hire consultants. And Lotus, I might need a social organizer as well. Should I get a second job and start saving now?

Maybe I could get away with buying enough birthday cake for the entire student population and serving everyone a slice at lunch time on the appropriate day. That way Crippler could brag about the 2500 people who attended his party. I could probably get a couple of the kids to sing some songs.