woza17
SuperDuperBarfly!
Posts: 2,203
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Post by woza17 on Jul 25, 2006 16:21:29 GMT 7
Con where did you get that joke from? The readers digest circa 1950s
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Post by con's fly is open on Jul 25, 2006 16:33:26 GMT 7
What's old is new again, luv. So tell us a joke.
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woza17
SuperDuperBarfly!
Posts: 2,203
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Post by woza17 on Jul 25, 2006 16:41:54 GMT 7
Con I only have 4 and I have told them already. But I have to agree with you sadly, women are not making much headway and the things are really the same. I did love your other jokes though.
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Sharky
Barfly
Mitzi IV
Posts: 25
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Post by Sharky on Jul 26, 2006 12:21:07 GMT 7
Since you've been nice to me Decurso I think i can forgive and forget. Things can be taken the wrong way very easily on the internet. Joke I got from England ... ahh i missed this kinda stuff. A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With the superhuman strength born of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door and into the tool shed in the back garden. She proceeded to put his penis into a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified and screamed "STOP STOP!!!!!! Please!!!! You're not going to cut it off are you??" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husbands hand and said "nope, i'm going to set the shed on fire ... you do whatever you have to". Also a picture rather suitable to the occasion ... Yes it's real.
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Post by con's fly is open on Jul 31, 2006 23:30:32 GMT 7
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Post by Mr Nobody on Aug 8, 2006 16:36:52 GMT 7
A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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Post by Dajiang on Aug 9, 2006 11:52:52 GMT 7
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
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Post by con's fly is open on Aug 9, 2006 21:31:38 GMT 7
I'll bite: What?
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Post by Mr Nobody on Aug 14, 2006 15:24:53 GMT 7
A man in Paris saw a pit bull dog attacking a toddler. He sustained some injuries, but managed to kill the pit bull with his bare hands and saved the child's life. Reporters swarmed the fellow to cover the story....
"Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: 'Parisian Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"
The man said, "But I'm not from Paris ."
Reporters: "That's OK.?Then the whole of France will love you, and tomorrow's headline will read: 'French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"
The man said, "I'm not from France , either."
Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's headline will shout: 'Europe 's Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"
The man said, "I'm not from Europe , either."
Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?"
The man said, "I'm from Israel."
Reporters: "OK .. Then tomorrow's headline will proclaim to the world: 'Vicious Jew Kills Family Pet!!!'"
Now, do you understand how the media works?
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Post by Hamish on Aug 14, 2006 15:40:35 GMT 7
I see the point, but I ain't buying it.
Like the Bush administration, the Jews are pissed because the world is beginning to grasp that they have no claim to the moral high ground. They expect to justify any action on their part on the basis of how their ancestors were treated before and during WWII. ANY critic of Israeli behavior toward the people that were in the houses and on the land they have been taking by force is branded as an anti-Semite. I don't accept that and at least one Jewish family I know doesn't either. Rudi and Lauren Nussbaum were married after spending most of WWII in hiding. Their Best Man was Anne Frank's father. Rudy went on to complete a PHD in Atomic Physics and she became a professor of German at the same school where Rudi had his lab, and I was a student during the 60s. We have been close friends ever since. They, and their family, are VERY critical of Israel’s activities and ashamed of what has been inflicted upon the Palestinians.
The situation is a mess and I don't believe there is a cure for it.
The Jews must leave.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Aug 14, 2006 15:57:44 GMT 7
It was a joke, Hamish. I didn't modify a word except a couple of grammar errors. I heard it first while at school but I think the countries were different.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Aug 14, 2006 16:16:24 GMT 7
Actually I think the original I heard was in London with a French 'hero'. That makes it funnier, I guess.
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Post by Dragonsaver on Aug 15, 2006 6:50:21 GMT 7
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"
The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
The End
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Post by Dajiang on Aug 15, 2006 9:33:52 GMT 7
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Post by Dragonsaver on Aug 15, 2006 21:09:07 GMT 7
Newfie Love Poem!
Of course I love ya darling You're a bloody top notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there
No woman who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think its very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me grannies grave now The moment that we met I thought u was as good as I was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the hockey's on And fetch another beer.
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Post by con's fly is open on Aug 16, 2006 3:55:19 GMT 7
Seeing a psychiatrist after his terrible divorce, the psychiatrist turned to Sir McCartney and said, "Do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again?"
Sir Paul looks quite disgusted, and says, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."
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Ruth
SuperDuperMegaBarfly
God's provisions are strategically placed along the path of your obedience.
Posts: 3,915
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Post by Ruth on Aug 16, 2006 7:00:42 GMT 7
Tickle Me Elmo: There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.¡±
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Post by AMonk on Aug 17, 2006 4:18:07 GMT 7
What's the difference between an elephant and a mailbox?
.........Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to get much mail from you, am I??
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Post by AMonk on Aug 17, 2006 4:19:17 GMT 7
If I can't take a bottle of Shampoo on the plane with me, do you think They would let me take alonh RealPoo??
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Post by George61 on Aug 17, 2006 5:46:22 GMT 7
If I can't take a bottle of Shampoo on the plane with me, do you think They would let me take alonh RealPoo?? Just hope they don't do a "cavity search"!
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Post by Mr Nobody on Aug 17, 2006 7:50:13 GMT 7
Nah. These days they are worried about terrorists not drug dealers, and with the budget cuts, you have to do the cavity search yourself.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Aug 17, 2006 9:16:42 GMT 7
I didn't know where to post this, but fitness equipment didn't seem to warrant it's own thread. www.fugufish.org/frog/?p=38I don't remember learning about this when I was doing my sports and fitness acreditation.
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Icarus
New Chum
BOING!!!!
Posts: 9
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Post by Icarus on Aug 17, 2006 22:22:07 GMT 7
The Lone Ranger:
Whilst riding on his trusty steed Silver, the Lone Ranger is attacked by 10 Apache Indians. He's dragged from his horse and is staked out in the desert under a blistering hot sun.
The Big Chief Apache Indian comes forward and says, "You, um Lone Ranger, be put to death, for shooting of many um Apache Injunns. You, um have one last request."
The Lone Ranger replies, "Well, i guess i'd like to speak to my horse."
So up trots Silver and lowers his little horsey head to the Lone Ranger's ear and listens to a whisper from his masked master... and like a bullit taking down an indian he rockets off straight for the O.K. Corral.
The Indians look puzzled but five minutes later Silver rides back into camp with a large bucket of water which he pours all over the lone ranger's face, cooling him down from the heat.
The Indians go crazy, they're whooping and hollering and jumping around until finally the Big Chief comes forward and says, "Lone Ranger's talking pony has impressed um apache tribe, you have one more last request!"
The Lone Ranger replies, "Well, i guess i'd like to speak to my horse again!"
So up trots Silver and lowers his little horsey head to the Lone Ranger's ear and listens to a whisper from his masked master... and like a chinaman getting on a bus he flies straight for the O.K. Corral.
This time the Indians are all waiting eagerly to see what Silver is taking the Lone Ranger and are pleased when the horse rides into view with a beautiful, naked, blonde saloon girl on his back.
The girl walks carefully over to the Lone Ranger who looks FURIOUS.....
"I SAID POSSE YOU IDIOT!!! POSSE!!!"
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Post by Mr Nobody on Aug 24, 2006 14:01:06 GMT 7
An email I received:
How to save the airlines.........
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, Bill Clinton
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Ruth
SuperDuperMegaBarfly
God's provisions are strategically placed along the path of your obedience.
Posts: 3,915
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Post by Ruth on Aug 31, 2006 6:47:06 GMT 7
2006 DARWIN AWARDS. They're In!
In case you haven't received them yet, here are this year's Darwin Awards the annual honor given to the person who improved the "gene pool" the most by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen.
And the candidates this year are...
8. IN Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
7. A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
6. IN North Carolina, a man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy e quipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
5. Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
4. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
HONORABLE MENTION:
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ , and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
2. TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously surv ived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER:
1. Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that "poo happens!"
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