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Post by Lone Traveller on Jan 18, 2007 7:16:25 GMT 7
Ok Ok I know these are silly but there are a few that really made me smile !
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. 10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. 15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 16. A calendar's days are numbered. 17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. 18. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. (I can relate to that) 20. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large. 22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine 25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. 26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 28. Acupuncture: a jab well done. 29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
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Post by AMonk on Jan 18, 2007 15:51:31 GMT 7
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Post by Lone Traveller on Jan 18, 2007 16:16:47 GMT 7
I know, I know
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Jan 19, 2007 10:02:56 GMT 7
Yes, LT, you will be punished in another life
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Post by Lone Traveller on Jan 19, 2007 13:45:22 GMT 7
Why do I have to wait that long?
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Post by AMonk on Jan 19, 2007 16:10:55 GMT 7
Reminds me of a joke.......
A sadist and a masochist meet in a "specialty" bar. They strike up a conversation and start getting to know each other. The talk turns intimate, and the sadist says, "Why don't you come home with me?" "If I do, will you beat me?" "Wait and see." "OK!!"
"Is it far to your house?" "Not much longer, now." "Will you beat me?" "Wait and see."
"Are you going to beat me?" "Wait and see."
"What a lovely home you've got!" "Thank you." "Will you beat me?"
..............."NO."
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Post by Lone Traveller on Jan 19, 2007 17:12:09 GMT 7
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Feb 6, 2007 2:49:29 GMT 7
Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the poo out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the poo out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!
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Post by AMonk on Feb 6, 2007 2:58:39 GMT 7
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Feb 9, 2007 2:33:32 GMT 7
TECH SUPPORT -INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0
INSTALLING HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
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Post by AMonk on Feb 9, 2007 3:13:47 GMT 7
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Feb 15, 2007 6:20:39 GMT 7
Subject: Who is working in USA?
Who's working anyway?
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Feb 17, 2007 0:35:06 GMT 7
Prison vs. Work: Which is worse?
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal unless you're a manager.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go Inside bars.
IN PRISON........you must deal with sadistic fellow prisoners.
AT WORK...........they are sometimes called co-workers
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Post by AMonk on Feb 17, 2007 16:00:37 GMT 7
Too True. Too True.
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