Non-Dave
Barfly
Try Not! Do - or Do Not... There Is No Try!
Posts: 701
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Post by Non-Dave on Aug 31, 2006 7:43:02 GMT 7
This is such reassuring news!
With all the legislation and protection we receive in our modern societies Mother Nature is still able to find ways to skim the top of the gene pool. Bravo!
It would be interesting to see the Chinese version. I'm sure there are some worthy candidates from here who are deserving of our applause and appreciation.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Aug 31, 2006 8:08:11 GMT 7
Something is wrong here. To be in the Darwin Awards, you need to remove yourself from the running of evolution by death or by losing you ability to reproduce. Also supposed to be foreseeably even inevitably dumb - the guy with the flashlight was just unlucky, as was in a way the winner. (They are also supposed to be funny, but that's pretty subjective.) It is supposed to be a cascade of stupidity culminating in the removal of the idiot from the gene pool.
Two of the above could still have kids, too. A shame, I know.
Non-Dave, you can nominate any Chinese person to the website by submitting evidence - newspaper clippings, tv reports etc. Anyone can nominate. They accept submissions from anyone anywhere. Just keep your eyes open.
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Ruth
SuperDuperMegaBarfly
God's provisions are strategically placed along the path of your obedience.
Posts: 3,915
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Post by Ruth on Aug 31, 2006 10:15:21 GMT 7
Yeah, Mr. N, I noticed that a couple of those people didn't die. Numbers 2 and 3 should give back their awards. I only passed on what I was sending to my trash bin.
Glad the elephant's feeling better.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Aug 31, 2006 15:40:35 GMT 7
Yeah, for sure, but he got knocked out on a rock. Being covered in poo should not be normally considered fatal, and operating on those principles yeah, he was unlucky. Stupid and funny, though. By the rules, he had to be able to see that it could/would be fatal and still do the stupid thing. Being covered by 200kg of poo is funny, but survivable. Being knocked out by a rock isn't stupid, it's unlucky.
I think it qualifies sufficiently. Possibly by the original rules, he would only have got an honorable mention, though.
And maybe the elephant was deliberately waiting . . . .
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Post by Mr Nobody on Sept 6, 2006 10:17:56 GMT 7
First a joke:
The Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks.
Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Iran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
Second, I have a book on the Darwin awards, and just reread it. Yeah, they are violating their own rules. I wonder why?
8. IN Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
This perhaps doesn''t exactly qualify because he could not reasonably expect to drown. Depends on the rest of the story. If it was in pouring rain and he was a big guy etc etc. It seems to lack the characteristic of 'excellence'. Maybe there are more conditions not mentioned.
7. A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
yeah, that's in, but dunno if it is enough to win much.
6. IN North Carolina, a man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy e quipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
sounds good to me.
5. Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
You do not expect to die just because you have a torch in your mouth. There would have to be more reasons. If he was a ceiling builder and it was made of something very fragile and . . . . nah, don't think so, unless there are further circumstances not mentioned.
4. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
It specifically forbids russian roulette as a candidate, as it does suicide attempts. This would reasonably be expected to be fatal.
HONORABLE MENTION:
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ , and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
An innocent was hurt - unless she was involved somehow. This is specifically forbidden by the rules. Also no removing of genes from the pool.
RUNNER UP:
2. TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously surv ived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
Didn't remove the genes from the pool. Specifically needed for a Darwin Award.
AND THE WINNER:
1. Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.
Maybe, but note the previous observation.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Sept 6, 2006 19:12:20 GMT 7
We need to scour the Chinese papers. I think this place could supply a lot of material for them, simply due to our own countries now protecting people from their own stupidity too much, and few if any nominations come from here when I used to keep tabs on it.
However, they claim to get thousands of emails monthly. I should check the site, haven't for years.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Sept 7, 2006 19:54:01 GMT 7
A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM, AND THEN SAYS HELLO.
HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM,
SO HE SAYS
"DO YOU KNOW ME?"
TO WHICH SHE REPLIES
"I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."
NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS,
"MY GOD, YOU ARE NOT THE STRIPPER FROM MY BUCKS PARTY THAT I m'kayED
ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY MATES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR GIRLFRIEND
SLAPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?".
NO "SHE SAID"
I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."
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Post by Lotus Eater on Sept 13, 2006 13:24:04 GMT 7
My daughter's boyfriend sent these to me. See - I told you Aussies were laid back. This is all the ettiquette you will ever need to know.
Australian Etiquette
IN GENERAL 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 3. It's tacky to take an esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
DATING 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date. 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place) 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight. 2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Sept 14, 2006 3:05:26 GMT 7
This has had various iterations here I think. Didn't seem appropriate for the favorite poem thread.
WOMAN'S POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a poo.
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Post by con's fly is open on Sept 20, 2006 1:12:01 GMT 7
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Post by Dajiang on Sept 20, 2006 15:13:30 GMT 7
Fun things for professors to do on the first day of class
1. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
2. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
3. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
4. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
5. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
6. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
7. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
8. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
9. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
10. Address students as "worm".
11. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
12. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
13. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
14. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
15. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
16. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
17. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
18. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
19. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
20. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
21. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
22. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
23. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
24. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
25. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
26. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
27. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
28. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
29. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
30. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
31. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
32. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
33. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
34. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
35. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
36. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
37. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Oct 5, 2006 0:15:41 GMT 7
For the mathematicians and scientists here.... I've copied it as the chemistry-centric document that I saw. Guess Chemists don't think other disciplines deal in such large or small numbers. Bigots! Chemists are developing more and more sensitive techniques for detecting substances in the environment. The saga surrounding “dioxin” for the past two decades has introduced us to nanomoles (exp 10-9 moles), picomoles (exp 10-12 moles), femtomoles (exp 10-15 moles), attomoles (exp 10-18 moles), and, in some cases, even zeptomoles (exp 10-21 moles). Scientists have now succeeded in detecting the presence of a single molecule. Several chemists have lobbied that such a quantity (exp 10-24 moles) shoud be measured in “guacomoles,” given the close association with “Avocado’s Number.” [If anyone is laughing at this point, it’s a pretty good bet that he/she’s a chemist!] [For the record: the chemists were overruled and exp 10-24 of a mole has been designated the yoctomole; no kiddin’]
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Post by Mr Nobody on Oct 5, 2006 7:32:11 GMT 7
Made me laugh. You should have started it with 'Av a gadro at this . . .
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Oct 5, 2006 8:34:32 GMT 7
Mr N, I thought you'd get a little chuckle. Glad you enjoyed. Yes, wish I had thought of that intro.....
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Escaped Lunatic
Barfly
Civet Burger? Sounds tempting. Can I get fries with that?
Posts: 567
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Post by Escaped Lunatic on Oct 5, 2006 9:18:56 GMT 7
>[If anyone is laughing at this point, it’s a pretty good bet that he/she’s a chemist!] Would you settle for someone with a physics degree who once took an organic chemistry class as a "fun" elective?
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Post by Dragonsaver on Oct 5, 2006 9:22:50 GMT 7
I laughed too. What is hexanitrobenzene. Birth control because it has a NO in every position.
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Post by Dr. Gonzo on Oct 5, 2006 10:27:32 GMT 7
Here's a palindrome with a Saloon twist.
God, Nate bit a Tibetan dog!
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Post by Mr Nobody on Oct 7, 2006 7:25:51 GMT 7
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Newbs
SuperDuperBarfly!
If you don't have your parents permission to be on this site, naughty, naughty. But Krusty forgives
Posts: 2,085
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Post by Newbs on Oct 7, 2006 8:25:51 GMT 7
Thanks Nobody, that's good.
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Post by con's fly is open on Oct 8, 2006 23:13:12 GMT 7
Dajiang's post sent Pepsi out my nose.
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Oct 9, 2006 7:14:15 GMT 7
Thanks for the "Mel Gibson driving lesson" Mr N. It's damned near addictive
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Post by Enigma on Oct 9, 2006 12:42:54 GMT 7
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
(This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!) This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes. The outgoing message: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you can read this - thank a teacher!
If you are reading it in English - thank a veteran
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Post by Hamish on Oct 13, 2006 5:23:51 GMT 7
>> An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday >> evening with a beautiful young gel at his side. He told the jeweller he >> was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. >> >> The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and >> showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want >> something very special." >> >> At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought >> another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller >> said. >> >> The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with >> excitement. >> >> The old guy seeing this said, "We'll take it." >> >> The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by >> check "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it >> now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick >> the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. >> >> Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no >> money in that account." >> >> "I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
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Ruth
SuperDuperMegaBarfly
God's provisions are strategically placed along the path of your obedience.
Posts: 3,915
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Post by Ruth on Oct 14, 2006 6:55:26 GMT 7
Enigma - can't believe the school got away with putting that message on their answering machine. No wonder some people are pissed. The parents suing put me in mind of the thread on Chinese education standards. Seems like nothing changes.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Oct 14, 2006 10:43:22 GMT 7
People seem to have forgotten the reason for education.
It is the process not the paper at the end.
The bit that goes into the brain and actually does something is the bit that makes a difference between Einstein and a dirt farmer. The certificate is just so much wood pulp.
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