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Post by Hamish on Nov 16, 2006 20:14:35 GMT 7
Interesting Facts:111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 !! It comes out 12345678987654300 on Exel. I wonder WTF! longhand, it works as reported. The software is not correct, or is my mind jazzing me again? And, I did try to lick my elbow.
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Post by con's fly is open on Nov 16, 2006 20:18:54 GMT 7
Do it again, dude: your calculator cut off the last two digits.
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Nov 16, 2006 23:48:27 GMT 7
I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I Hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and Recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her" ...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
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Post by Lotus Eater on Nov 17, 2006 16:28:46 GMT 7
I have no idea if this one is real or urban myth:
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was diving like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
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Post by Dragonsaver on Nov 17, 2006 16:30:34 GMT 7
Urban myth. I have read about that one several times. There was a TV show that uses scientific facts to explain different myths and they did one on this one.
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nolefan
Barfly
Quod me nutrit, me destruit!
Posts: 686
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Post by nolefan on Nov 17, 2006 17:50:28 GMT 7
I have no idea if this one is real or urban myth: Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was diving like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. that's the storyline of a CSI Las Vegas episode from season 6
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Post by Dragonsaver on Nov 17, 2006 20:46:40 GMT 7
This myth has been around a long, long time. I have given the link and a brief synopsis. www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/scuba.aspClaim: The charred remains of a scuba diver were discovered in a tree after a forest fire. Status: False. Example: [Collected on the Internet, 1996] Origins: The tragic tale of the unfortunately scooped diver has been with us at least since 1987. Told at various times as having happened in California or Did someone say 'FIRE'? France, to date there's not been so much as one charred scuba diver recovered from the aftermath of a forest fire in either location.
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Post by con's fly is open on Nov 19, 2006 17:06:27 GMT 7
Cow Politics
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders
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Post by con's fly is open on Nov 19, 2006 21:15:15 GMT 7
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Post by Lotus Eater on Nov 23, 2006 14:52:06 GMT 7
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
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Post by Vegemite on Nov 28, 2006 9:57:55 GMT 7
GOT TO LOVE THIS WOMAN!!!!!
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
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Post by Dajiang on Nov 28, 2006 13:23:41 GMT 7
Dragonsaver - Thats Mythbusters on discovery. I loved that show.
used it for some high school classes too once. Find an urban myth and think of how you could test it.
...
now a joke:
man comes into the dentists, says "hi, i think im a moth." Dentist looks up and says " well you should go and see a psychologist." Man says "I know that". Dentist gets angry and says annoyedly "So what the mkay are you doing here then?" Man says "your light is on."
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Post by Mr Nobody on Dec 2, 2006 14:01:17 GMT 7
This myth has been around a long, long time. I have given the link and a brief synopsis. www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/scuba.aspClaim: The charred remains of a scuba diver were discovered in a tree after a forest fire. Status: False. Example: [Collected on the Internet, 1996] Origins: The tragic tale of the unfortunately scooped diver has been with us at least since 1987. Told at various times as having happened in California or Did someone say 'FIRE'? France, to date there's not been so much as one charred scuba diver recovered from the aftermath of a forest fire in either location. I did hear about one that apparently is real, maybe the basis for this story that someone nearly got scooped up but the situation was avoided. It made the papers, the guys story etc. He wasn't a scuba diver, but a snorkeller, and just had to swim away, not get caught up. He was just scared it might happen and the reported story was speculation on what might happen. It was in the USA, and it was a river someplace, I think California.
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Post by Dr. Gonzo on Dec 5, 2006 1:26:10 GMT 7
Here are some interesting mistranslations: In a Belgrade elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
A doctor's office in Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here & spend the afternoon having a good time.
On a menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire: If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.
Ad for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride your own ass?
In a Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven tours---we guarantee no miscarriages.
Car rental brochure in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
A temple in Bangkok: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.
In a Bangkok cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a hotel in Yugoslavia: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
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Crippler
Barfly
Beware the conspiracy!
Posts: 345
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Post by Crippler on Dec 7, 2006 6:35:53 GMT 7
Social Security After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too.
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Post by con's fly is open on Dec 11, 2006 12:45:17 GMT 7
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE CANADIAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Hamilton. Nobody complained. Why?
Answer: It was a funeral home
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Post by con's fly is open on Dec 11, 2006 13:02:54 GMT 7
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
... Then You Are Probably The Family Dog.
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Post by con's fly is open on Dec 11, 2006 13:12:51 GMT 7
I have 2 Labrador Retrievers & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her no....I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
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Eagle's Nest
Barfly
A self-portrait ... note that there is a mess of confusion in the swirling mists of "self"
Posts: 283
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Post by Eagle's Nest on Dec 12, 2006 5:51:21 GMT 7
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist 2. a wedding ring 3. peanut butter 4.chewing gum 5. an elevator 6. a nose 7. a newspaper boy 8. a glove 9. a crane 10. a toothbrush, of course!
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Post by Lotus Eater on Dec 15, 2006 8:01:23 GMT 7
It's a religious time of year. We should check out the understandings our young'uns have of the myths and legends we have in our culture.
Catholic elementary bible school tests
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the Old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have neither been retouched nor corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Jan 12, 2007 20:27:39 GMT 7
Knock, knock
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Post by AMonk on Jan 12, 2007 23:04:03 GMT 7
Who's here?
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Jan 13, 2007 8:03:28 GMT 7
As George might say if he could log into this place, "Perxactly!" Keeping the faith alive
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Post by AMonk on Jan 13, 2007 15:39:51 GMT 7
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Post by Lone Traveller on Jan 16, 2007 18:36:42 GMT 7
i love bad jokes!
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