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Post by Mr Nobody on Apr 3, 2006 8:49:11 GMT 7
Con's exercise program isn't balanced. It over-emphasizes the use of the RHS.
You need to repeat for the left hand, then drink another beer in your left hand as well. This second beer can, if you like, be light beer since the left hand isn't usually as strong as the right in many people.
You can then build up using heavier and heavier beers, until you can drink imported guiness with either hand.
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Post by con's fly is open on Apr 3, 2006 18:41:50 GMT 7
Signage
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down, again.
Then came "Manic depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.
How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Approved.
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Post by con's fly is open on Apr 3, 2006 18:46:18 GMT 7
And an old chestnut:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan, Jim
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woza17
SuperDuperBarfly!
Posts: 2,203
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Post by woza17 on Apr 3, 2006 20:26:31 GMT 7
Cheers Con classics Have you seen the movie the Unbeliever, bad movie but it brought up some of those points
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Non-Dave
Barfly
Try Not! Do - or Do Not... There Is No Try!
Posts: 701
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Post by Non-Dave on Apr 3, 2006 20:28:42 GMT 7
What's wrong with having Canadian slaves? Sounds okay to me.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Apr 3, 2006 20:39:53 GMT 7
That's the point, they think maybe you can't. Personally, I dont' think they would work hard enough. The ones here seem to sit around all day waffling on and sinking beer. They would be as bad to own as Hogans.
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woza17
SuperDuperBarfly!
Posts: 2,203
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Post by woza17 on Apr 3, 2006 21:03:36 GMT 7
Good point, now if you wanted to have a slave which nationality would you choose. I would like a slave from Germany, they are really neat and like beer
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Post by Lotus Eater on Apr 3, 2006 22:53:58 GMT 7
Men as slaves would be nice.
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Post by DollyODear on Apr 4, 2006 1:03:28 GMT 7
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know poo?" ;D
_____________________ And I just discovered that this board has a little gremlin what will change bad words to better ones all on its own! What will they think of next?
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Post by Mr Nobody on Apr 4, 2006 6:43:07 GMT 7
Deary deary me. Robocop strikes again.
I know why, if anyone is interested. It has to do with their digestive system. Cows and deer ferment it in their stomachs - cows in 4 of the bastards - horses don't. So cows have steaming wet piles and horses have dry muffins. Cows live on the plains, where big pats will break down, and they are big animals. Deer live in forests, and are smaller. Plus, they are hunted types. Therefore little pellets. Something like rabbits, etc. I wouldn't be surprized to find that deer also recycle their poo like rabbits. Rabbits are so short that the vegetable matter doesn't have time to break down, so they run it through twice.
I always know poo. I never realized, though, that knowing this stuff would get me a date!
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Post by Mr Nobody on Apr 4, 2006 6:45:34 GMT 7
Men as slaves would be nice. Nah, men are useless and don't do any serious work. Has to be women that are enslaved, or the whole system would crash.
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Post by DollyODear on Apr 4, 2006 7:08:00 GMT 7
Men as slaves would be nice. Has to be women that are enslaved, or the whole system would crash. This assumption is not foolproof, as I am female and (even) NOBODY would want me for a slave. I am domestically retarded challenged.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Apr 4, 2006 11:33:37 GMT 7
A salient point, one I made earlier with Hogans are bad slaves. We don't even make good hospitality type staff.
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Post by DollyODear on Apr 5, 2006 2:37:00 GMT 7
It is really fascinating to see the euphemisms the little bot begets. What a great invention -- I would probably violate the hearts and minds of untold numbers of sensitive souls without it.
(Dolly begins to sing, grateful tears streaming down her cheeks) "Grace! Grace! Bot's grace! Grace that can pardon and cleanse my posts..." (Then she notices the word bastard has remained and realizes that even the bot wouldn't pass her mother's muster. Nothing ever could ...)
______________________
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farm yard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never" replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happenl." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're pooting in bed!"
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Post by Miss Motz on Apr 5, 2006 5:26:21 GMT 7
THE PHARMACIST.........
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to he pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Post by Mr Nobody on Apr 5, 2006 17:24:28 GMT 7
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment...
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the m'kay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"
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Post by con's fly is open on Apr 5, 2006 18:57:52 GMT 7
From Christy:
This one is funny... and so Indian!! Conversation between Baboo & his son. (Sent by my East Indian friend in Vancouver)
Baboo: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice." Son : "I will choose my own bride!" Baboo: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son : "Well, in that case...ok" Next Baboo approaches Bill Gates. Baboo: "I have a husband for your daughter." Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!" Baboo: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok" Finally Baboo goes to see the president of the World Bank. Baboo: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!" Baboo: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law." President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!
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Bugalugs
Barfly
Really i am just a baby in this white slave trade we love to call Teaching...
Posts: 128
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Post by Bugalugs on Apr 6, 2006 17:36:34 GMT 7
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the GIBLETS
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Bugalugs
Barfly
Really i am just a baby in this white slave trade we love to call Teaching...
Posts: 128
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Post by Bugalugs on Apr 6, 2006 17:51:41 GMT 7
Guts or balls We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
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Bugalugs
Barfly
Really i am just a baby in this white slave trade we love to call Teaching...
Posts: 128
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Post by Bugalugs on Apr 6, 2006 17:53:53 GMT 7
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth The wait! An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned Beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too" The Blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I Get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too. The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The Blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)... Everyone turned and stared at the Blonde's wife. The Blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunches
Hope all these gave you a chuckle
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Post by acjade on Apr 6, 2006 18:21:42 GMT 7
Indeedie, yes. Thanks. Still laughing.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Apr 6, 2006 23:16:41 GMT 7
I have heard it before as an Irish joke. And a Polish joke. The Polish joke was with salami, the irish I don't recall the food. Possibly Guiniss or Guiness or something similar.
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Post by cheekygal on Apr 6, 2006 23:17:17 GMT 7
The cabbie and a nun ... A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you". She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils his fantasy with a passionate kiss . But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Post by cheekygal on Apr 6, 2006 23:19:52 GMT 7
Irish Toast John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary. "She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me self. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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woza17
SuperDuperBarfly!
Posts: 2,203
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Post by woza17 on Apr 7, 2006 18:14:32 GMT 7
Great guys. I am on my second tinny and I feel I am down at the pub with my best mates having a chuckle. Buggas it's your shout baby. Buy us a couple of raffle tickets luv while you're at the bar. I feel lucky tonight.
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