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Post by con's fly is open on Apr 7, 2006 18:25:16 GMT 7
Cheeky, I'm gonna repeat that nun joke.A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I just can't see my ass coming into work today."
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Post by George61 on Apr 8, 2006 5:33:44 GMT 7
Now, I DO feel homesick!!
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Bugalugs
Barfly
Really i am just a baby in this white slave trade we love to call Teaching...
Posts: 128
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Post by Bugalugs on Apr 8, 2006 8:55:57 GMT 7
Hey Woza, You have 2 feet and a heart beat, right. Ill pay you go to the bar. LOL:)
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woza17
SuperDuperBarfly!
Posts: 2,203
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Post by woza17 on Apr 8, 2006 9:25:23 GMT 7
Hey buggas That's not the way it works if it's your shout you have to go to the bar. There are very strict guidlines about this. Anyway I am buggered, I have been on my feet all day screaming and strutting around the classroomI will give you the money for the raffles tickets and if I win I will keep the prize for myself . Hey I thought you were moving today Bugs
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Bugalugs
Barfly
Really i am just a baby in this white slave trade we love to call Teaching...
Posts: 128
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Post by Bugalugs on Apr 8, 2006 16:22:33 GMT 7
No am moving tomorrow, the previous teachers leave at 6 tomorrow morning and i move in at lunch time.
Sorry didn't know the guidlines, what ever you want ill make it a double to make up for it.
had three ina row this morning and was hoping to get home to pack then found out that it was school photo day so hadphoto's with all my classes + the graduating classes, T.G thats over.
Roll on the holidays i need it.
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woza17
SuperDuperBarfly!
Posts: 2,203
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Post by woza17 on Apr 8, 2006 17:31:46 GMT 7
No am moving tomorrow, the previous teachers leave at 6 tomorrow morning and i move in at lunch time. Sorry didn't know the guidlines, what ever you want ill make it a double to make up for it. had three ina row this morning and was hoping to get home to pack then found out that it was school photo day so hadphoto's with all my classes + the graduating classes, T.G thats over. Roll on the holidays i need it.
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woza17
SuperDuperBarfly!
Posts: 2,203
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Post by woza17 on Apr 8, 2006 17:33:21 GMT 7
Don't mind me I am figuring out how to use the quoyte button. I will try again
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Bugalugs
Barfly
Really i am just a baby in this white slave trade we love to call Teaching...
Posts: 128
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Post by Bugalugs on Apr 8, 2006 17:40:11 GMT 7
when you work it out could you let me know.... PLEASE!!
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Post by Lotus Eater on Apr 8, 2006 18:16:02 GMT 7
Don't mind me I am figuring out how to use the quoyte button. I will try again To quote the whole post click on the 'quote' button on that persons post. Then you can delete the bits you don't want. See above example. To just cut and paste from a few different posts or the one post, do you you would normally with cut and paste, then use the little 'quote' button between the # and list signs above where you are answering the post. Then paste in between the two brackets. Good luck.
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Bugalugs
Barfly
Really i am just a baby in this white slave trade we love to call Teaching...
Posts: 128
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Post by Bugalugs on Apr 8, 2006 18:35:20 GMT 7
Hope this works thanks
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woza17
SuperDuperBarfly!
Posts: 2,203
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Post by woza17 on Apr 8, 2006 18:59:22 GMT 7
Don't mind me I am figuring out how to use the quoyte button. I will try again To quote the whole post click on the 'quote' button on that persons post. To just cut and paste from a few different posts or the one post, do you you would normally with cut and paste, then use the little 'quote' button between the # and list signs above where you are answering the post. Then paste in between the two brackets. Good luck.
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gengrant
SuperBarfly!
Hao, Bu Hao?
Posts: 1,818
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Post by gengrant on Apr 8, 2006 23:43:08 GMT 7
Egads! just remember, if you choose to use the quote function, you run the risk of George and/or I misquoting you as well...
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Post by George61 on Apr 9, 2006 3:57:58 GMT 7
Yerrrs. Just remember, Ladies, that there is also a "PREVIEW" button next to "Post Reply". You can see the results of your endeavours before you post, and correct any m'kay-ups you have made.
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Newbs
SuperDuperBarfly!
If you don't have your parents permission to be on this site, naughty, naughty. But Krusty forgives
Posts: 2,085
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Post by Newbs on Apr 9, 2006 11:06:47 GMT 7
Sorry, I'm lost, I'm still looking for the button.
(Sorry Woza)
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woza17
SuperDuperBarfly!
Posts: 2,203
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Post by woza17 on Apr 9, 2006 14:46:48 GMT 7
Newbs that is the French spelling I have been reading. Les Miserables in French and I forgot zee English. Egads is that a new member I must pop into the bar and welcome him/her.
I will go to the shop and buy some cold beer first. It's a bit muggy today have to keep up my fluid levels.
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Post by Stil on Apr 9, 2006 23:33:41 GMT 7
Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The third said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ."
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."
St. Peter fainted...
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Newbs
SuperDuperBarfly!
If you don't have your parents permission to be on this site, naughty, naughty. But Krusty forgives
Posts: 2,085
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Post by Newbs on Apr 10, 2006 14:40:59 GMT 7
**A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with very low intellect read internet forums with their hand on the mouse.**
**Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.**
Hope you like that one guys, I did.
And yes, I did have my hand on the mouse and I did take it away quickly.
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Post by con's fly is open on Apr 10, 2006 19:10:01 GMT 7
Forget whether I posted this last year. Oh well, we have new memers.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. Also, lose the GI-Joe’s and action figures too.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some C.C. over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he'll be in the morgue.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're the biggest asshole.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule (and this one is long overdue):
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
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woza17
SuperDuperBarfly!
Posts: 2,203
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Post by woza17 on Apr 10, 2006 21:07:47 GMT 7
Con like it I especially related to the Chinese tatoos. We had a lovely FT, Canadian in fct who had this huge Chinese characters all down his back. Now he didn't stay in China long, he didn't seem to have such a stong connection to Chinese culture or people. I still wonder why. It's like people wearing T shirts that they don't understand but less of a commitment to the language
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Post by con's fly is open on Apr 10, 2006 21:22:22 GMT 7
Old one of Christy's:
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know my Lord, my wife told me to stand here."
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gengrant
SuperBarfly!
Hao, Bu Hao?
Posts: 1,818
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Post by gengrant on Apr 10, 2006 21:48:40 GMT 7
Hey, Conny...your "new rules" come from Real Time with Bill Maher. And I love this show... here's a link to all of the NEW RULES: www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/
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Post by con's fly is open on Apr 11, 2006 18:04:16 GMT 7
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he opens the floor to questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh! That's right! Question time. So who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve, and what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. "First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And Fifth, what the heck happened to Billy?"
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Post by con's fly is open on Apr 12, 2006 19:37:19 GMT 7
Another from Christy. What a backlog.
A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will lie down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. "Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
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Post by Mr Nobody on Apr 12, 2006 22:12:20 GMT 7
New Zealand jokes are Welsh jokes?
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Loops
Barfly
Raoul, after a day reading the garbage we dump on his forum...
Posts: 389
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Post by Loops on Apr 13, 2006 3:53:44 GMT 7
Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot? A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad? A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS? A. Nothing.
Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist? A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white? A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?
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