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Post by George61 on Dec 8, 2005 21:09:59 GMT 7
Ok. I know you didn't invent those, but that has got to be the funniest thing I have read this year month week on this Forum.............................orright, this year.
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Newbs
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Post by Newbs on Dec 9, 2005 2:23:07 GMT 7
Copy on that George. These are going up on the notice board in the staffroom at school.
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gengrant
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Post by gengrant on Dec 9, 2005 15:58:07 GMT 7
too funny, Conny...and you know what? I'm gonna give you credit for making those up! so here's to ya, you little stinker thinker, you!
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Post by Mr Nobody on Dec 10, 2005 12:39:29 GMT 7
Megalomania : O come, all ye faithful, Joyful and Triumphant, O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem! Come and behold Me, Born the King of Angels! O come, let us adore Me, O come, let us adore Me, O come, let us adore Me, your new overlord.
Personally, I have always worried about 'deck the halls'. I mean, after doing the interior decorating, the song goes :"don we now our gay apparel, fa la la la la la la"? Doesn't this sound like a bit of a worry?
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Post by con's fly is open on Dec 11, 2005 14:29:13 GMT 7
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. ----------------- While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff". . . ---------------- I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . ---------------- My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . ---------------- My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. ---------------- My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount... ----------------- I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. ----------------- I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".
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Post by Mr Nobody on Dec 12, 2005 11:26:46 GMT 7
This is a true story.
I got some free rent on a premises for my kung fu school since it used to be a call centre with lots of old computers, tables, chairs etc that no one could use. It was in a depressed suburb with lots of delinquent teenage kids.
I could use some of the tables and chairs and give away the rest. Same for a lot of the stuff. We kept the safe and a working (low speed) PC that was given to one of the students. Things like that.
But that left the monitors, 50 of them. All old, green screen, dedicated to a mainframe that was junk. To dump the monitors was going to be expensive. I could get scrap prices for the cabling etc, but the monitors were just junk. So, I put about six at a time out in the parking area, under a table so they looked partially hidden. They were stolen. I did this until they were all gone, all 50.
Solved - about two tonnes of crap, all going to a good home. Only two got smashed, and even then, not the glass, only the plastic. Successful use of psychology.
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gengrant
SuperBarfly!
Hao, Bu Hao?
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Post by gengrant on Dec 12, 2005 13:37:01 GMT 7
and somewhere, someone is relishing the thought that they ripped some deadbeat retard moron Nobody off of 50 monitors, wondering why you didn't wise up after the first 15 or 20 were "stolen." is the joke really on him?
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Post by Mr Nobody on Dec 12, 2005 23:03:55 GMT 7
Fuzzy low resolution monochrome green monitors that can only use a dedicated mainframe?
That would be a yes.
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Post by Lotus Eater on Dec 13, 2005 6:18:41 GMT 7
It was probably some helpful neighbour like Ruth, trying to keep the neighbourhood tidy, taking them away to the dump each day wishing that the burke who put them out there would have done it himself!!
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Ruth
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Post by Ruth on Dec 13, 2005 7:28:10 GMT 7
Good thing I've already finished my coffee, Lotus, or it would be all over the screen. You made me laugh out loud. Actually, Ruth would be wondering about a way to put them to good use. I hate waste. Sounds like Nobody did the best he could with what was useful and ditched the rest in a very creative way.
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Post by Lotus Eater on Dec 13, 2005 20:43:28 GMT 7
You have probably seen this one before. 315.7m is my best score to date. n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swfHint ¨C click once on the ape to get the penguin to jump and then click again to swing the bat
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teleplayer
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Post by teleplayer on Dec 14, 2005 7:03:44 GMT 7
After playing with the penguin, enjoy a bite of Tequila Christmas cake.
Tequila Christmas Cake 1 cup water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 4 large eggs Nuts 1 bottle tequila 2 cups dried fruit Preparation Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point its best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt or something.
Check the tequila
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
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gengrant
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Hao, Bu Hao?
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Post by gengrant on Dec 14, 2005 8:05:46 GMT 7
Great recipe, tele - but I noticed that in the directions you spoke of straining the nuts, while these are not listed in the ingredients...any special kind of nut, or whatever I want to use? thanks...i'm gonna ry this trecipe sas oon as im obser again...
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Post by George61 on Dec 14, 2005 8:09:10 GMT 7
I think you started the tequila too early.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Dec 14, 2005 13:09:01 GMT 7
I have so far seen this recipe for brandy, whiskey, vodka, etc.
I wish someone would make up their mind.
Meanwhile, pass me some of that there errr cooking ingredient, please.
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gengrant
SuperBarfly!
Hao, Bu Hao?
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Post by gengrant on Dec 14, 2005 14:00:57 GMT 7
yeah, you got me George...I was using the ingredients from the bottom, up and apparently was using too much (if there is such a thing) to-kill-ya early on... oops!
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Non-Dave
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Post by Non-Dave on Dec 14, 2005 19:27:15 GMT 7
Thanks for the penguins lotus - just wasted hours!!!! (320.5 )
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Ruth
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God's provisions are strategically placed along the path of your obedience.
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Post by Ruth on Dec 15, 2005 8:04:42 GMT 7
Yeah, Lotus - thanks. I got 316.something after a few zeros to get the hang of it. Then I got 205 and the penguin was head first in the snow with his little tail sticking straight up!! That made me laugh out loud so I figured I'd had enough fun with it. Besides, it's time to change the laundry from agitate to spin and rinse.
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Ruth
SuperDuperMegaBarfly
God's provisions are strategically placed along the path of your obedience.
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Post by Ruth on Dec 15, 2005 8:11:53 GMT 7
Okay, I'm addicted. Someone save me!! The highest I got this latest go-round was 305. Another nose dive got me 205. The lowest I got, other than a million zeros, was 68.
I really, really need to get the laundry done.
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Post by con's fly is open on Dec 15, 2005 9:27:46 GMT 7
323.5 and I have class in five minutes.
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Post by Lotus Eater on Dec 15, 2005 9:54:19 GMT 7
320'7 and still trying. But have you noticed that if you land close to the 200 mark and he is head first into the snow the distance sign neatly lands in his rear end? Nasty.
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Non-Dave
Barfly
Try Not! Do - or Do Not... There Is No Try!
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Post by Non-Dave on Dec 15, 2005 11:47:18 GMT 7
321.1 ... now I gotta beat Con...
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Post by con's fly is open on Dec 16, 2005 11:30:53 GMT 7
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
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Ruth
SuperDuperMegaBarfly
God's provisions are strategically placed along the path of your obedience.
Posts: 3,915
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Post by Ruth on Dec 16, 2005 11:47:41 GMT 7
But have you noticed that if you land close to the 200 mark and he is head first into the snow the distance sign neatly lands in his rear end? Nasty. And when he skids along the snow, he rolls over to get the sign in his belly. Cute game. Addictive though.
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teleplayer
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Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
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Post by teleplayer on Dec 17, 2005 6:13:49 GMT 7
Engineers and Management A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude, and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude. "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. The fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my fault."
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