Ruth
SuperDuperMegaBarfly
God's provisions are strategically placed along the path of your obedience.
Posts: 3,915
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Post by Ruth on Dec 17, 2005 6:30:38 GMT 7
Love the part about management; having worked in government systems for many years I can really relate to that part of the joke. LOVE Dilbert cartoons.
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Post by con's fly is open on Dec 24, 2005 22:29:32 GMT 7
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse,not on top."
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Post by con's fly is open on Dec 24, 2005 22:31:01 GMT 7
A Christmas greeting from my brother Ted:
Some people are like 'Slinkys' -
They are kind of useless,
but they still bring a smile to your face
when you push them down the stairs. A very merry ho-ho to all... T
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Post by con's fly is open on Jan 12, 2006 20:02:14 GMT 7
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years: because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. Also, lose the GI-Joes and action figures too.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some C.C. over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he'll be in the morgue.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're the biggest asshole.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule (and this one is long overdue):
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
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Post by Lotus Eater on Jan 16, 2006 13:09:50 GMT 7
Some of these are clever.
DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
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Post by con's fly is open on Jan 18, 2006 19:16:13 GMT 7
Not only am I the poster- I am also a client!
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth , and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Jan 20, 2006 10:12:45 GMT 7
I thought F**king was a city in China until I discovered Smirnoff.
Advert in "National Lampoon" some years ago.
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Post by con's fly is open on Jan 22, 2006 15:26:55 GMT 7
Subject: Washington Post
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's (2005) winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *sshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter, when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
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Post by con's fly is open on Jan 22, 2006 15:30:09 GMT 7
Also Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) [back by popular demand]: The belief that, when you die,your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Jan 23, 2006 18:38:14 GMT 7
Ah! English!
The old grammar, she ain't what she used to be.
(Ok, spellinge not grammar, but a grammar used to be a book for putting your words (spells) in. (grimoire), and there ain't no song about it, so I just did it this way, OK?)
Good one Con - my heartiest confibularity.
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Post by con's fly is open on Jan 23, 2006 19:13:11 GMT 7
These are perfectly crumulent words.
Does Grammar really derive from Grimoire? If so, cool.
If a completely nerdy way, mind.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Jan 25, 2006 2:19:22 GMT 7
Yeah, same word, but you got it back to front. Grimoire is a grammar.
spells are from being able to write.
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Post by con's fly is open on Feb 4, 2006 10:12:28 GMT 7
Proof That The World is Nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) TRAVEL ADVISORY- Con [/i]
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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of?)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
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Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
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Starfish don't have brains.
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And, the best for last:
Sea turtles can breathe through their rectum.
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Newbs
SuperDuperBarfly!
If you don't have your parents permission to be on this site, naughty, naughty. But Krusty forgives
Posts: 2,085
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Post by Newbs on Feb 4, 2006 13:48:21 GMT 7
Seeing as it's the year of the dog the following reasons why it's better to have a puppy than a baby are kinda appropriate.
· Puppies are cheaper than babies. · With puppies you have a choice of breeds or bloodlines. · Getting a puppy won't give you stretch marks. · Puppies can be housetrained. · But if a puppy does make a mess in the house, you can just rub its nose in it and put it outside. · You don't have to put your puppy through university. · It's permitted - indeed encouraged - to render your puppy sterile at an early age. · Dogs live twelve, fifteen years at most. · You can have sex in front of your dogs without scarring them for life. · It's OK to call your dog 'bitch'. Which is better than having your human children do it to you. · Puppies aren’t always hassling you for money. · If your dog does get pregnant, it’s okay to sell the offspring.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Feb 6, 2006 20:37:31 GMT 7
That was the funniest thing I have read for, well, days.
I normally read political stuff.
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Post by Dragonsaver on Feb 11, 2006 9:45:03 GMT 7
For the ladies:
Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
_________________________________ Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
__________________________________
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: one-he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR Three -- one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
_________________________________ Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
________________________________
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
_________________________________
Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
__________________________________
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
___________________________________
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
_____________________________________
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
__________________________________
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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Post by Dragonsaver on Feb 11, 2006 9:50:37 GMT 7
More for the ladies: One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to Me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb... ----------------------------------------------------------- A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you..." -------------------------------- "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. _______________________ He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded. ______________________ He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. _______________________ He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said -Turn sideways and look in the mirror ______________________ Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor _______________________ A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! __________________ A PRAYER.... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
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Post by con's fly is open on Feb 14, 2006 17:46:26 GMT 7
I'll only object to the snoring joke: women snore, thus far in my life without exception.
Anyhoo...
You Know You're a Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this." 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines." 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
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Post by Dragonsaver on Feb 16, 2006 21:05:27 GMT 7
For Con and especially Ruth:
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T! "
"Don't what? " Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! "
" No Way! "
"Yes way! "
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why? "
"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, (wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).
A few minutes later, God saw His children having a fruit break and He was not pleased!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit? " God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you? " said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it! " Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not selling your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
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teleplayer
Barfly
Ni3 you3 hen3 duo1 qian2. Gei3 wo3 yi4dian(r)3 ba.
Posts: 541
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Post by teleplayer on Feb 27, 2006 22:24:06 GMT 7
USAnians and folks from those yet undeclared states north of US may enjoy this bit of humor. See if you can identify the melodies that apply to them... I confused one with Lord Lovell when it was better as Shady Grove. How many folksingers does it take to change a lightbulb... www.entish.org/play/bulbsong.html
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Post by con's fly is open on Feb 28, 2006 18:02:08 GMT 7
Durned if I didn't get a few.
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Post by Mr Nobody on Mar 4, 2006 10:36:29 GMT 7
Six. One to change it. One to sing a song of protest about how times are changing, one to sing about how much more natural the dark is, one to sing about how 'global' companies are ripping everyone off, and three to sing songs about how much better it was in the old days.
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Post by Dragonsaver on Mar 5, 2006 8:45:38 GMT 7
For the Aussie's:
An American, a Frenchman and an Australian were sitting in a bar on the top of a building overlooking Sydney Harbour.
"Do you know why America is the wealthiest country in the world?" asked the American. "It’s because we build big and we build fast. We put up the Empire State Building in six weeks."
"Six weeks, mon dieu, so long!" snapped the Frenchman. "The Eiffel Tower we put up in one month exactement." "And you" he continued, turning to the Australian, "what has Australia done to match that?"
"Ah, nothing, mate. Not that I know of." The American pointed to the Harbour Bridge. "What about that?" he asked. The Australian looked over his shoulder. "Dunno, mate. Wasn’t there yesterday."
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Post by Mr Nobody on Mar 5, 2006 9:39:36 GMT 7
A USAnian tourist was visiting Australia, and handed a taxi driver a wad of cash. He said "Take me to see the sights"
So he did. Every time he took him somewhere, the USAnian would say "We have bigger" or "We have better".
Took him to Sydney harbour bridge. Told him about the Golden Gate. Took him to the tower thingy forgot the name of. Talked about the Empire State Building. Took him to the Blue Mountains, told him about the Rockies.
Everywhere, something was bigger or better. So he took him to the western plains, but no, the plains of the American west were bigger. Then a kangaroo jumped over the car. "What the hell was that?" The tourist exclaimed. "What, you don't have grasshoppers back in USAnia?"
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woza17
SuperDuperBarfly!
Posts: 2,203
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Post by woza17 on Mar 5, 2006 17:33:21 GMT 7
Where is the bird flu joke that woz posted that was a real pisser. I told it to my business students, they pissed themselves laughing.
Oh and I really loved the other jokes.
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